Relax Your Face

Some girlfriends and I have always wanted to publish that book — you know the one, the zillion bad dates we’ve gone on. Let’s start here and now. The final days of 2013 are here:  that magical week when some of us are in the office, apparently solely to ensure that the building does not burn down (or be on hand to call in the firefighters if it begins to)… so I’ve got some free time….

I love dating. I show up early and give the bartender my credit card, with explicit instructions that they close out my tab on that card rather than bring a shared check. I don’t have any expectations, or prohibitions (sex on the first date can be completely appropriate, sure). I’m not looking for a long-term relationship, or to get married. I’ve gone on a lot of dates where we don’t hit it off, but are still friends (on Facebook and/or in real life). But I gotta tell you…the amount of crazy that’s kicking around? It certainly makes for some fantastic stories…mine and others’.

Let’s kick off the fun with the story of Relax Your Face. This one wasn’t a date, just an encounter between “friends” at a bar. Everyone was some degree of boozed up at that point of the night, and our fine gentleman protagonist seizes a lovely lass and plants one on her — with full-on scorpion tongue action. Lady, realizing he is three sheets to the wind, very graciously extracts her fleshy appendages from his, and starts laughing… at which point he urges her, quite seriously, and with a hand gesture downward over her face as if he is closing the eyes of a corpse, to “Relax Her Face” — apparently so more of this gratifying oral penetration can occur. Unsurprisingly to everyone but him, this tactic was less than 100% effective, and he was forced to shift his amorous efforts to the next hapless victim.

This story has amused us so much that we now use the saying (and the corresponding gesture) with great frequency. We still aren’t really sure whether RYF actually remembers his part in this action; we’re looking forward to his reaction when he realizes that “that thing all his friends do” is actually his creation. Tee hee.

I and my crack team of researchers look forward to hopefully amusing you further in 2014 with our very best of the worst……………………………


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